Divorce Fucking Sucks

  That'll be the title of my next book. I say next, but I don't have a first. Funny how we can assume something based on what someone said?

Sure, the pain of severing the ties you had to someone is painful. When you dreamt the fantastic dreams, you never considered after living them, you'd wake up and realize you were living in a self-created nightmare. 

The bigger pain is realizing that everything you knew about relationships is surrounded in so many grey areas. Friends' loyalties change, family treats you differently, you see yourself differently, and the inner critic grasps its megaphone and climbs atop a soapbox. 

You "get back out there" even in your mind, and all you see are happy couples or the victims who haven't decided to reflect learn how they contributed to the demise of their former relationships. 

It hurts to reframe your future. It hurts to hear that your kids are struggling with the decision you made for yourself, to be your best self, to offer the best version of who you are to your children. How is it possible to trust and doubt yourself at the same time? I don't know how, but I know it's possible. I'm living it. 

I don't want to do anything with anyone ever. 

Except when I do, then I want to do everything with everyone forever. 

My life feels like a walking contradiction and ball of conviction.